American Ammayi Diaries - The apartment

Hello all,

I hope you're enjoying my U.S. stories. Now that I've started university, I have more and more bloopers to share. But it will have to wait! I'm not done with the other parts of my life yet :D

Today let's complain about the apartments here! How I enjoy complaining!! The satisfaction it offers can't be replaced by anything in the world (Maybe 3 glasses of paalada offers more satisfaction? But then, the weight factor! Phew! ) :D

Now, having a home with centralized air conditioning was a status symbol according to me. That is, it means, that you are stinking rich according to me. And when I come here it’s not a big deal as every andan and adakodan(Oops! Tom, Dick & Harry) has a home with centralized heating and cooling. And I thought it was a good thing. Goodbye noisy fans! I have centralized A.C. now. During my 3^rd year at NSS, five of us shared a room and the one and only fan of the room was too lazy to increase speed when commanded by the regulator and I took my jambhavan table fan to Palakkad. It made so much noise that I couldn’t figure out if heat was unsahikable or if the noise was.

And when I’m left all alone with nothing but the sound of a fridge, I realize what a huge role fans played in offering companionship when I was alone. Satyam paranja oru dhairyam aayrnu for the pedithondi me. That is, when the eerie silence creeps in, fans helped with their sound. And this AC and stuff is for people who are used to it. Not for people like me who start shivering if its too cold and have to pee 100 times in an hour when sitting in an air conditioned room. Nammakk fan thanna best!

And when I saw Monica’s open kitchen in friends I fell in love with it. The no walls helped to make it look huge. But now I realize an open kitchen spoils the very idea of the kitchen. Kitchen is the place you don’t have to clean up when guests arrive. It’s the place where you hide when you don’t want to meet the guests who have come. It’s the place where you bitch about the guests who have arrived before you meet them with a smiling face.

And you come to my apartment. The guests arrive and see my kitchen. It’s not just my home, but in most houses I’ve visited here, the front door opens to a kitchen!!! Seriously? It’s like a kitchen in you sitting room! And in case you’re not ready when the guests arrive, there is no place to hide!! You’re out in the open. Where do you hide the vessels you have not yet cleaned? I still remember a time when the guests arrived a bit early and when they turned I threw a lot of things into the dishwasher (Stupid thing which need all the vessels to be rinsed once before placing it in. Then what do you do Mr. Dishwasher? Wash the ones I already cleaned?)

I cannot cook when someone is looking at me as most of the time even I have no idea what I am doing. I have my diary which has all the recipes and without it I would stammer with even the most basic food items. So once we had guests over and I had to make tea and snacks and they offered to help. With them looking I was under pressure to do everything in style. Be it cutting vegetables( all the powder drowned in my onion cutting tears) or sautéing, I tried to do everything perfectly and spent more time cleaning the mess I made than in cooking. Also my shelves and fridge and everything has to look perfect or I can be judged.So much for an open kitchen! But then, when you tell everyone, you love an open kitchen ;)  That sounds soo cool people! 

Then I have to complain about bath tubs. Like centralized air conditioning, I always wished we had a bath tub at home. The pleasure of having a bubble bath was heavenly according to the people in movies and TV. And that was all I wished for. Then I realized that it's not as cool as it sounds. Lying down in soapy water every day can be boring and what do you do lying there? For a jobless person like me who is relaxing the entire day what more is there to do in a bath tub! Buckets and mugs were so much more convenient. And when water is replaced with tissues, I can tell you I do miss the silencing sound of water falling in the bucket :P No elaborating here and being gross but a lot of people will agree with me silently here.

 That’s all for now. You enjoy life and I’ll keep finding fault with this country :P

I’m like this only!

American Ammayi Diaries: Expectations vs reality

Hello folks!

Before our wedding, my husband asked me if I had ever thought about the place I would be living in future. And this got me thinking, but the truth is that, I had never given this a thought. I always wanted to live by myself in an apartment with the balcony facing something like a sea or something of scenic beauty or even a busy road. (Maybe that thought came to me during my B.Tech 3^rd year when my room’s windows opened to the waste bin of the entire hostel! What a refreshing sight! )I think I’ve said this earlier, but I wanted to live in Konkana Sen’s apartment from Wake up Sid. That would’ve been a dream come true. That’s all I wished for. I never thought of a city or state or country.

I’ve always seen myself in an apartment in Bangalore after marriage. I have always been kind of “country” and therefore I never saw myself in any foreign country. Middle East, yes, As there are a lot of Malayalees there and don’t know why I felt like I would fit in there or rather remain invisible there. But no, I had to come to the U.S. I didn’t feel classy enough to come to the U.S and fit in here. Also over the years, things I heard from people and saw in movies had created a mental image of how life in the U.S. would be. And arriving here many of them have been shattered and things I considered was a luxury are not really luxurious at all!! This story will take some time to complete, but then, let’s start now…

For a long time now, I’ve been a huge fan of good English. You talk good English and my mouth waters. I once heard Prannoy Roy’s interview and I listened with my mouth wide open. (That didn’t really encourage me to listen to the news though, where I could hear to more such people :P I was always allergic to news and newspapers.) 

My English is okay. I try not to make grammatical errors but then I have this fluency issue at times. And somehow I assumed that once I enter the USA my English will automatically be upgraded with an American accent. I thought that “you know” and “wanna” and “watcha doin” etc  will enter my life without any hard work from my part (I’m not sure if Americans used these words when they speak, but, somehow American accent in my mind is all this). If not the American accent, I thought I’ll speak more polished Malayalam, either the Manglish or the “korach korach Malyalam ariyam” but no luck there. I still speak normal Malayalam which has Koyikode and Payyanur touch and at times I mimic the slang of the person I’m talking to. Why don’t good things happen to me? :P People had to just watch some series on Netflix to get that accent and look at me! I’m so ashamed of myself!

As a part of understanding why I don’t speak American accent yet, I observe people here. (You might be thinking, give it some time, but no! I cannot!) Maybe you have to change the way you pronounce words as the Americans don’t understand what you’re saying. And I’ve noticed people trying to fake an accent while talking to the Americans. I don’t really know if it’s intentional or if it just happens over time. Right now, I don’t really interact with Americans and so my English hasn’t really changed. I’m waiting to see if something will happen to it! Maybe you are under pressure to speak American English as you have been here for a long time and people expect you to speak with an accent? 

Life has been a lot easier thanks to my cousins Ammu and Sonu for their “you know” and “I know right” and “tell me about it” Added at the right place, it makes you sound cool. So very soon you can see the new and upgraded version of me ( I hope I don’t mess it by speaking normal English and in the middle of a sentence, remembering to change my accent and doing it ;) )

Please don’t misunderstand me! I hope you realize that I was being sarcastic. Language is a medium of communication and if the receiver gets the message you are trying to convey that’s all what matters. Does your accent matter? I don’t think so. You decide!

Now, being the stalker I am, I see that most people undergo an impressive transformation once they leave India. Be it their dress or hairstyle, there is so much change and everyone ends up being photogenic. It’s like they go through some machine at immigration and TADA, you’re transformed. And I was dying to undergo that change. What did I think? That once I land in the U.S my fairy Godmother will wave a wand and transform me? I feel I looked more chic when I was in Bangalore (don’t be shocked! Nammalum onnu samadhanichotte bro!)

Stupid country did nothing to me! I’m the same old me, who stills feels I cannot carry off a leather jacket and boots. Maybe I can, maybe I can’t. But the thing about this country is, no one cares. You want to wear a mini skirt and crop top, but you’re 50 kg overweight? Who cares! You go ahead and wear what you want. When I stare at madhamas double my size wearing clothes which are too revealing or too fit, I look around and realize that I am the only one staring!! It is a refreshing change after spending 25 years in India, where I dressed keeping in mind that my clothes don’t draw attention to my figure. Also keeping in mind that it doesn’t offend anyone at the Milma booth or Vyshak stationary or Achoos or Barber shop at East hill and also the random family friends I meet on my way out. Also, my clothes shouldn’t draw attention from random strangers and send them any “wrong signals”. So, I preferred to wear clothes twice my size.

But then, to wear great clothes and carry them off with style you need to have a basic sense of dressing. And it doesn’t come with having a visa stamp on your passport. When I went to Bangalore, I thought I’m going to turn stylish and look like a diva! And when nothing happened there, I see girls looking so wonderful in Calicut and it hits me. It’s not about where you are, but it’s about who you are. I don’t let myself buy certain clothes as I have this someone inside me who laughs and says, ”Seriously?? You are going to wear that? Have you lost it?” Maybe reading all this you feel that I’m really dying to be someone I’m not. But being frank, I would love a makeover someday. Wouldn’t it be fun to look so different that people don’t recognize you? So wait and see guys, Gayathri PK is all set for a makeover, it may strike me any day now ;) ( Etra manoharamaya nadakkatha swapnangal! )

So until we meet next, let me dream of being Americanized and a true American Ammayi! ;)

I’m like this only!

American ammayi diaries: Life in the U.S.

Hello people! The American ammayi is back! :D TADAAA

 I’m obsessed with fonts. Maybe you noticed the n number of fonts I have used in my blog. I write one sentence and change the font 10 times and then continue with writing and after the next sentence, I download more fonts and then the whole process of unzipping and saving and installing takes so much time in my stupid slow laptop that by the time I’m done with it, I lose the desire to write.

So, lets skip all this unwanted nonsense and move on to nonsense related to the topic in hand.

So, like I said, when I moved to the U.S., I was less than a month old married woman with absolutely no idea about how to live life. And until then except for very few people, a majority made marriage sound synonymous to adjustment. And I was clueless about how I would behave around a new roommate. I usually got along well with my roommates and whenever I disagreed with them, I took out the frustration on Amma. And in this case, this was a permanent roommate! I couldn’t complain everyday even if I had my differences!

Little did I know that this would be the least of my worries! My roommate and I got along wonderfully but the days to come presented me with more problems and worries and shocks in other forms.

In India, I was the type of girl who always walked with her head down, “namramukhi” as that would save a lot of energy. You never know, sometimes accidently looking at someone would present you with a wink or flying kiss. I’m sure many of you girls would have had similar experiences of such “kisses” from random strangers! So, when out of home, I either looked at the ground or maybe at some invisible point at a distance. But here that’s not the case!! Any random stranger who comes towards you might surprise you with a “How are you today?” or “Hello there” if you make eye contact.

The week I got here, I went shopping for my winter clothes. Even though back in India, the sight of a foreigner, sayippu or madhama, made me stare with my mouth wide open at them, when I was actually surrounded by sayipps and madhamas, I was intimidated. I felt sorry for being in their country and felt very inferior, I have no idea why! Skin colour? Maybe. So, I was so scared and didn’t leave my husband’s side but then I couldn’t take him to the trial room!

So I go with the clothes for trial and the lady standing there ask me something. It sounded like Greek and Latin to me,went blank for a moment and somehow managed to ask, “Pardon?” You might feel that I am exaggerating (look at me! Explaining myself to you. This is one of my major problems. I feel this constant need to explain myself so that I’m not misunderstood. And at times, it backfires!) But I’m not. I feel intimidated by a lot of people and now coming to this country, the feeling has worsened! I couldn’t really understand her accent then. So she says, “Never mind” and then point me to the trial room. Now I know that, what she asked me was “Hey! How are you doing today?” or something similar. That was the first shock I got.

Even though I have watched English movies and understand most of what they say, soon after coming here, I couldn’t understand a word of what these people were saying. I hoped and prayed that I don’t have to talk to anyone. I never step out of the house alone and when I go with him, I make him do all the talking.

So, for those who don’t know about this country, suppose you are walking on the road, and someone comes in the opposite direction, most of the times, they smile and say either Hello or How are you? Or something similar. Even back home, I was good at small talk. Some shopkeepers keep talking about this and that. That’s not a new thing. But then, random strangers coming over and saying Hello? Just imagine that scene in India. There was one blue eyed shopkeeper near my house. He lived close to my home and so he knew my family. So when I go there to buy something, he smiles and says, “Hello” and my friend and I used to call him a pervert, in simple words, vaayanokki! And look at me now? Saying Hello to those random strangers who greet me.

I don’t really know if we have a choice. But then, if someone greets us, not replying would be rude right? On one of the rarest days ever, I go to the gym. I enter to see three African men of different sizes. Our Indian movies always portray them as villains. Either drug dealers or smugglers or kidnappers and then remember that scene from Fashion? Priyanka Chopra with that African guy? So after all this, I’m really scared of these guys. So this guy was coming towards me. I take one look at him and then look down. He might snatch my chain or even try to molest me. I pray to all the Gods I know. And then we cross each other and I look at him again to interpret what his next move would be. He smiles at me and says, “Hey, how are you?” And was all shocked! This was not what is expected from them!! Hey man, you are a disgrace to all those African actors in Bollywood movies!! And I apologize to you gym mates for thinking that you’re all bad guys. Will try not to stereotype in future. Sorry Shaktiman :(

The place we live in is away from the main roads and so is quite peaceful. In other words, the silence here is scary. I’ve never watched these English horror movies. The ones I’ve watched are these extremely silly ones in Malayalam like Aakashaganga and Indreeyam where the white saree clad ghost seems to have an asthma problem and can’t find a hair band around. I once heard the story of Conjuring 2 and couldn’t sleep at night. So imagine what would happen if I see the movie? Especially when I’m living in this eerie place?

We don’t have fans at home and so once he leaves for work, there is only the occasional sound of the refrigerator and the annoying person upstairs. While watching “Friends”, I used to feel that they are exaggerating when Mr. Heckles used to complain that he was disturbed by these people walking about in Monica’s apartment. But seriously, it is not an exaggeration. With these wooden floors and walls, you can hear every sound made by the people above you :P  And our neighbours upstairs are these very noisy people and when there is complete silence here, they choose that exact moment to drop something with a heavy thud. ( And again , one day I see that ourneighbor has a dog and I've never heard it barking!!)

And sometimes, when its very silent, I can hear a woman singing in a very beautiful voice, I don’t know if it’s a neighbor or a ghost. And whenever I move from one room to another someone imitates my footsteps from the floor above. Be it day or night, I’m followed by someone. And behind the shower curtain, I expect Valak to be waiting for me. Until noon, I talk to my family, but after that? It’s just me and the ghosts. So, for a long time, I was given company by Mohanlal ;) In the form of Aaram Thampuran and Narasimham..those powerful dialogues and spit filled English dialogues can scare away any ghost! That’s the power of Lalettan :D Even Suresh Gopi and Mammootty comes to my rescue at times. Just remember that!!

So, I will wind up this post now. Until we meet next, Malayalam movies will be played in loop here, beware Americans and go away ghosts!!

I’m like this only!!

AMERICAN AMMAYI DIARIES- THE BEGINNING

Hey! I’m back to blogging. I’m so happy that I've started writing rather than thinking about writing or procrastinating it. I have the pending stories still pending, but let’s start afresh.

From the moment my wedding was fixed to this software engineer working

in the U.S., my friends started calling me American Ammayi (aunty) Not a big deal for me as my friend Aarpit who doesn’t speak Malayalam calls me Thadichi Ammayi(fat aunty) and now American Ammayi sounded even better!

When I was 4 years old my aunt, Sushuamma, moved to the U. S. and from then this place has been a dream. I decided at that age that whatever happens, I’m marrying someone from the U.S. Reason? I could tell people that I’m in “America”. Now, it’s not a big deal and moving into the U.S is not as difficult as it used to be. Like every Keralite has a relative in the “Gulf”, now every Keralite has a relative in America. But, back in 1995, America was heaven!

But as I grew older and sense kicked in, I wanted to be someplace close to home. All I wanted was to marry some guy working in Bangalore. But no! Fate wanted to send me to the other part of the world. And like the 4 year old me wished, I am in AMERICA!!

One thing I’ve noticed after moving here is the change in attitude of some people towards me. There was this group of friends who talked to each other only in English but then, to us, they talk in Malayalam, because, you know, our English was not up to the mark! My Amma should read this and she would say, “Is this why I sent you to a convent school? You can’t talk fluent English? I’m ashamed!” But then, we belonged to the lower strata of the “English society”. So one of the girls from this gang called me up recently and to my surprise, she was speaking to me in English. Oh my God! Moving to the U.S has improved my status and now I belong to the upper class! Wow!!  

And then people automatically assume that I’ve changed just because I’m here. But why? I agree that a lot of people change but I get really irritated when I’m put under that category. Give me some time people. To Americanise myself? From December 2016, my life has been a roller coaster ride. I get married, pack my bags and move to my husband’s house, accept the responsibilities of a wife and daughter-in-law, pack my bags again, go for a honeymoon, visit Chennai to get my visa done and then again to visit friends and family and before I get a chance to digest all that has happened, I’m in a new country, away from my family and friends. Then one morning I find myself all alone in an apartment, with bags to unpack, a house to clean, food to cook and still in shock! I’m a wife now, I have a man and a home to look after. Oh my God! Things were happening so fast.

When people asked me if I knew cooking, I would say I do and then list out the few dishes I knew. But once I get a kitchen all to myself, I realise that I know nothing. All those dishes I made back home, has these invisible hands adding all the right ingredients and directing me, my grand mom! So gradually I learn to cook with just the recipes, I know how to clean a house and arrange things. I know to be considerate and care for someone other than myself.

It’s been five months and I am still in shock. Life has changed so much. And again I have to put up with the taunts of people, who think I’m showing off.

One guy wishes he was born a girl as I get a chance to move to the U.S and the sole reason being marriage. And somehow he feels that I’m the reason why his friends don’t get a visa to move to the U.S.!! Dear friend, you think it’s easy being a girl? Do you think it’s easy to stay away from family and friends? Any day I am ready to exchange the luxuries U.S can offer to be close to my family. And also, marriage is not the only way a girl can reach the U.S. I have friends who work here and who have come to the U.S to study. They didn’t need a dependent visa. So, there’s nothing stopping you if you want to move to the U.S.

Then comes my group of friends who are against me supporting a sport at this age. I’ve never followed a sport my whole life and I get married to a sports buff. My husband watches all kind of sports and I start watching it with him. Even if I was in India, I would’ve watched whatever sport my husband was watching and shared my excitement on social media. Why is it that only you can post “What a goal!” “2-0 way to go team” etc etc and I can’t do it? I can’t start liking a sport at 26 years of age? Why?? You find it “over” and funny and what not! Why don’t I deserve to like a sport and a player? Just coz I am in a new country?

Then a lot of them feel that I’m lucky to be married to a software engineer in the U.S. I’ve got an “onsite opportunity” thanks to him. For your information, there are a lot of Indian men in the U. S. who are dependents of their visa holding wives :p The insensitive comments don’t end there! I don’t have to work anymore because my husband earns. Why don’t I deserve independence again? And then when the rules change here and we are worried if his job would be affected and if we will have to relocate to India and are under stress, our “caring” friends take that exact moment to call me or text me and make fun of the whole issue. And I have to smile at their lame jokes just because I don’t want to sound rude. “Trump is throwing you out? Don’t come back to India!” It’s our life you are joking about people! And any negative response to these comments would help me earn the title “Arrogant”. And me being me, don’t want to tarnish the image I have of smiling at whatever rude or sarcastic remarks thrown on me

And then again, a lot of friends don’t talk anymore, as they assume that I’m busy and I’ve changed! Come one people! Atleast find out for yourself if I’ve changed.

“When they throw stones at you, don’t throw them back, instead use them to build your own foundation” So I decided that I will write about my life here. How things are different and how I’ve been coping up so far. Thanks for all the taunts, I have a topic to blog about ;)

Thanks a lot Karthik for your comments, I will write more relatable blogs. So do wait for my upcoming American Ammayi series. A lot of things are not like I expected them to be. And I’m not getting Americanised as fast as I expected myself to be.

When you’re a “country fellow” you don’t change easily. Sad but true! See you soon. Till then,

I’m like this only!

Why I didn’t post a story in my blog for more than a year!

Hey, all! 

It’s been such a long time. I have more than 5 stories in my laptop which start similarly! I haven’t been able to complete even one of them.

You ask me if I was busy, I would say,“No!” I’m jobless at the moment and I live in a different time zone than 99% of the most important people in my life. I have all the time in the world. But even then I have a to-do list which is waiting to be completed. I am jobless but busy! I have no clue what’s eating up my time.

I’ve been sitting idle from May 6, 2016, and thought I will fill my blog with stories and then finally publish a book because I have nearly 100 stories in my blog. But then, as usual, I didn’t write post one story. So book toh door ki baat hai!

One main reason was that I was praised by a few people who liked my previous story, The Proposal. Uma Chechi even shared it on her FB page. And I didn’t take all these compliments well. I was under pressure to write something even better and impress the few people who showered me with compliments. If I felt this, I wonder what Anjali Menon would have felt after Bangalore Days. Is this the reason why she hasn’t directed a single movie after Bangalore Days?  

Hey haters, I’m not comparing myself with Anjali Menon and I’m not saying that I’m J.K Rowling. But I’m just saying. For a long time now, I have this constant tendency to explain myself so that my haters won’t feel like I’m showing off.( Look, I care about my haters too! ) And I’m trying to not give them something to comment upon. Recently a lot of my “friends” have taken up this hobby of picking up things from what I post and constantly teasing me. And me being me, try to be all goody goody and join them in teasing me or try to avoid the conversation or silently hear or read all that they have to say (and inwardly abuse their parents for creating them and myself for trying to be Ms. Sweetie)

Another reason why I didn’t write anything was that I was busy daydreaming about my wedding after I got engaged and also busy debating with myself on the topics, “Am I ready for marriage?” “Reasons why I shouldn’t marry” “Things to do if husband resorts to domestic violence” The Indian media and a few people I talked to, helped me come to the conclusion that marriage is a sacrifice of your individuality and its nothing but a lot of responsibilities. All the teenage fantasies about romance and love went down the drain as most people couldn’t even say marriage and love in the same sentence. I was confused. Then came the matter of giving up my job as I would be relocating to the U.S. Being the independent young woman I was, I did not want to live in the shadow of a man I didn’t even know. But then I didn’t want to stay back in India and work and have a long distance married life. Should I write a blog or try to analyze my choices in life? You tell me!

Another reason is Amma. Like I previously mentioned, Amma goes through all my blog posts. She is my editor and censor board. When I wrote a blog on the funny events which followed the wedding proposals, a few people told Amma that if anyone reads that blog post, I would stay a spinster all my life. “You shouldn’t let her write such things.”, they said. People, you made me feel like Madhavikutty writing against the wishes of friends and family. But again this irritated me and I decided I wouldn’t give people reasons to complain or question Amma. Also, Amma was too lazy to go through whatever nonsense I was writing. These editors I tell you! So lazy they are.

I think that’s pretty much why I didn’t write anything for a long long time. Now I feel like I should start again. Main reason being, whenever I get embarrassed now, I keep thinking how great that story would look in my blog. And also, I am a bit hesitant to post anything on FB now, a lot of idiots think I’m showing off because I’m in the U.S. So this is the best option. Most people don’t have the patience to read the nonsense I write. So, I can carefully hide whatever I can’t tell people directly somewhere inside the blog and vent out my frustration. ;) When I read what Anushree and Aiswarya write on FB, my mouth waters and I wish I could write like them. Fearlessly. And their posts have the power to keep us glued till the very end. Someday, I’ll reach there.. And this time, my return to blogging will be with less lengthy more frequent posts like Judy Balan. Who knows? What if I end up being like her? Author and columnist. Yummy!!

Till then, let’s write silly stories and insult ourselves without giving others a chance to tease us.

I’m like this only! (It feels so nice to write that after such a long time)

The Proposal

Hello folks! Hope you enjoyed my previous blogs. When I went to Bangalore for my internship, it so happened that during the weekdays I was all by myself most of the time. At work, I was the only intern in my department and the others in my department were all seniors and were loaded with work or were always discussing things about life and this went over my head. And even when I got back to my PG, I was surrounded by a lot of strangers and for the first time in life I didn’t make any good friends there. They all belonged to a totally different planet or maybe I was the odd one. So when I retreated to my shell and remained silent for hours, my brain actually started working after a long time and 'bhavana' attacked me. And thus a few stories were penned down.

So the topic for the day is my wedding!

I do not know if I should write this story, as I am of the "marriageable age" but if you get to see it then it means that my censor board- Amma, has approved and has let me post this ;)

Let me start blabbering! And no arguments from you people, coz I am speaking what’s in my mind and I am not here for a debate. All the crazy things written below are for purely entertainment purposes :D

When debates are held on the topic "Love marriage vs arranged marriage" we see that there are n number of points for and against both of them. I am neutral when it comes to love and arranged marriage as I believe that its all dependent on the participant individuals and the surroundings if their marriage would work or not.

 But when I look at the faces of strangers on my matrimonial page and wonder, "Would he be the father of my kids?" (I know I shouldn’t think so much, but when you have decided to opt for arranged marriage, then what I said is true na? Some stranger who you see through the matrimonial site or through some mutual acquaintance is going to father your child!) I feel, it would be damn convenient if you knew your future husband atleast by face.

For eg: If I was told I was to marry Ranveer Singh next month, I would panic about having to marry a total stranger, but atleast I wouldnt have to waste time trying to remember how this guy looks like!! In the case of arranged marriage, you dont really get to hang out with the guy a lot provided you both are in the same city or there is a lot of time between your engagement and wedding and the biggest factor of all-your parents must be okay with it( or you should be daring enough to sneak out :D ) So thats the biggest advantage of marrying a friend or acquaintance or neighbour or relative or similar. You know his face!

And about knowing the person, I have nothing much to say there as I have heard that all men( & women) wear this PERFECT mask before the wedding happens and once the thing is official would just remove the mask part by part and you get to see a total stranger! I know just the theory, would confirm this once I marry.

So I am currently in this stage where a vast majority of my friends have married and have kids and even the guys have started getting married. I am just 24, and independent working women have 3 more years of time to actually settle down with their job and career and think about marriage to an equal. But the sympathy filled looks of the people around me and the frequent calls Amma gets from my prospective in-laws are all making me bored to death.

If what Pooja believes in Dil to paagal hai is correct, "Kahin na kahin, koi na koi, hamare liye zaroor banaya gaya hai", then "My Guy" is out there somewhere. And I desire to give him one tight slap when we meet! How romantic! I know ;) I have a good reason for this.

In the quest to find him, life has presented me with enough experiences that I feel he is responsible for majority of it. If atleast he gave some assurance that he actually exists, I could have thrown it on the faces of all those people who look at me with sympathy and also those people who tell me, "Enough of enjoyment. Go get married!" “Why are you still single?”Hello people! Do you think that I have a long queue of suitors at my front gate daily and I reject all their proposals as they do not look like Hrithik Roshan? Or do you expect me to approach guys and ask them to marry me. Dont you all feel that, when it is time, my marriage will happen and that it is not in my hands to marry asap? (Not that I want to hitch myself anytime in near future :D ) And not to forget my perfect horoscope which does not match with any of the nice guys out there!!

Amma has put my profile on the matrimonial site and we get requests and calls and messages daily. Thankfully I have not yet met any guy in person or talked to anyone, all thanks to my horoscope which is on strike and would not match with any of the wonderful guys we like! And we have a lot of weird people out there

Some of them are worth mentioning. Here you go:

   1. Mr. Dasettan

            You all know that the talkative and irritating me  is confident about ending up with a man like Das from Bangalore days. One of the first proposals we got were from a similar kinda guy. One look at his foto and I knew he would be damn matured and reserved and would have nothing to say to me except, "Grow up Gayathri" He was the kind of guy who your parents would trust and he looked like someone who invested in shares and ate food with forks and spoons. He looked like he doesn't own one funky colored T-Shirt. Life would have been black and white. And silent! The guy wouldnt argue and might even practice yoga. A photo speaks volumes :P But horoscopes didnt match. End of story.

   2. Mr. Pamban

            I am not sure if I am right, but if you observe the pics of a person in the matrimonial sites, you get a small idea about the kind of person he is. Generally people make it a point to keep their best photos in the matrimonial site- atleast I did :P

So one particular proposal came, the profile was perfect. NIT and IIM and well paid job. In the first pic, he looked like he doesnt give a damn about the world- pacha malayalathil paranjal oru puchcham poleyulla expression. The next foto- He had a snake around his neck. Wow! Kollalo! Daring aadmi hai ;) But I smelt a show off somewhere. Then came another pic, with a tiger cub. I was reminded of the movie Om Shanti Om, where SRK plays with a tiger and says, "Ohh..tiger cat! Naughty cat, naughty cat.Yenna rascala mind it!" Satyam paranjal chiri vannu. Why all these pics in  his matrimonial profile? Luckily or unluckily, our horoscopes didnt match and so all my dreams of going abroad and posing with snakes and lions were shattered there! Nammakk pattideyum poochedeyum koode foto edukkana vidhi.

   3. Mr. Perfect

            Being an MBA student, many matrimonial profiles remind me of marketing lessons I have learnt. Our son is the best in the world/ He is a very smart, handsome, brilliant......,etc etc

Come on- marry my son! He is the best in market. Additional features : My son is a trained classical singer, he has done MBA in the best colleges of US. He works for a Fortune 500 company. Hurry Hurry! Offer till my son's single status lasts!

I really get scared seeing such profiles. The guys are portrayed as being soooo perfect that it scares me. The crazy mind of mine starts thinking- What could be wrong with him? He is soo damn perfect! Womanizer? Gay? Underworld? Drug addict? Which one of this would he be?

So now this guy had a tick mark in all the entries of my Mom's checklist of “My perfect son-in-law”! I was not very keen on this guy coz his profile was damn perfect! I just hoped that my horoscope saves me. But alas! Even his horoscope was perfect and our horoscope match score was 8/10!! That was the beginning of an era! His Dad called and I was hoping he was rude or behaved so badly that Amma would hate him. But No! He had the best behaviour. He spoke for about 10 minutes about his son, who was the youngest to hold his current position and blah blah smart blah blah ambitious! B-A-D-A-Y-I!!!

 So both families checked horoscopes and they said that the guy was on a tour and so he hasn’t seen my profile yet and that they would inform us as soon as he comes back.( I guess he went to Antarctica or maybe some deep sea to explore oil reserves where you don’t get internet connectivity!)

We waited for more than a month. I doubted if the guy got caught in the Bermuda triangle and he never came back L And Amma messaged to enquire. The Mom talked this time and she was like this ideal Mom-in-law. “We loved your daughter, but our son hasn’t come back yet. We will be coming to India in Feb. So we will come over then. The wedding can be held after June.”Which part of the above conversation means that they are not interested? But that was it! They never called!! :P My Amma was devastated :P We all cornered her and she became the target of all our jokes! 

And then last month, the element of my Mom’s tears was in his FB profile- HE WAS ENGAGED! And the girl was a Chemical Engineer like him. I smelt a love marriage somewhere.

So one request to all the committed people- Oru nivarthiyillathe matrimonialil profile kodukkunna daridravaasikale oru mathiri Sasiyakkaruth. If you plan to marry ur respective bf/gf please don’t create matrimonial profiles and if you create please don’t respond to any requests! Kaalu pidikkam! :P

   4. Mr. IES

Proposals came in every now and then, but the whole while, Achan made no comments. But then came in a proposal from Palakkad. B.Tech from one of the best colleges of Kerala and then IES- Yes Indian Engineering Services. Achan was really very happy. Central govt. Sneham!

His Mom was really very keen on this proposal. She kept on calling saying that they checked horoscopes and asked us to check the same.

And his house was near one of my most favourite temples of Palakkad. My stupid mind started its imagination- Maybe he is the one and maybe that’s why I liked the temple so much. I was destined to visit it every now and then :P

Then I saw his profile. He was one serious guy. 2 pics- No smile! Slim guy!!! And he worked in KERALA!

Look! Its not that working in Kerala is a bad thing. But my understanding is that, as distance from home increases, you will be missed more.

Lets look at this scenario. I get married to an NRI. Most probably, I would visit home only once a year. At max twice a year. And when I visit, I would get VIP treatment. All my favourite dishes on the table. When someone asks Achan about me, he would say, ”Chinnu is coming from Antarctica for a month’s vacation.” Wow!! Then he would have to take a day’s leave to come to the airport and receive me! We would Skype daily. And everyone might even cry on seeing me (Not coz I will pester them till the end of my vacation! ;)

Now let us look at the scenario on hand. My husband works in Kochi which is just 4 hours away from Calicut. If I want I can come home on Tuesday evening after work and then go back on Wednesday morning and still go for work. Boring! I can come home whenever I want( which is a good thing) but where is the glamour? I would come by train and no one would even come to receive me! I come home in an auto rickshaw and then enter and people would not even look up from their work. No one would miss me, coz hey you are never really gone. You come home every other weekend Chinnu!! We don’t get a chance to miss you girl! B-O-R-I-N-G!

And so I was disappointed about this Kerala working guy. Achan was happy about that too ( Railway station is closer to my house than airport! And he needn’t take leave too!!) Another reason why I disliked him was because he was thin. I am fat and I had taken this oath that I would marry only someone who weighed atleast 10 kgs more than me! This guy looked so damn slim! And I had no proof if he had teeth. He did not smile in both the photos given in his profile. I started hyperventilating! I hoped that our astrologer would say that the horoscopes would not match. But both the days Achan went to meet him, he was not there. I thought I would die of high blood pressure.

The guy worked for the Railways. Day and night Mummy talked about the advantages of marrying him.

   1.       You get to travel all over India free of cost in the first class compartment (The guy who doesn’t even smile would not be interested in petty things like travelling, right? )

   2.      You would have your own quarters! ( And I thought I would be staying in my Burj Khalifa apartment :P )

   3.      He would have a good pension (Wait!! Don’t go that far!!)

And my friends had other things to say:

  1.       You will have to get my tickets confirmed and book emergency quota for me

  2.      Gayathri, he might even help you to get a job in the railway ticket counter

  3.      Your kids can study in the Railway school ( Eh :O )

My friends started teasing me. When we have team lunches in Mainland China and Barbeque Nation and wear formal suits to work, you would wear a cotton saree and go to Indian Coffee House for team lunch!

They made me look like someone who worked day and night, did household chores and went vegetable shopping while my boring husband did a 9-5 job, travelled in 1^st class, came back and shouted at me and even snored at night :P

It was like I was one of those 70s heroine in whose house nothing good happened and she stayed married and put up with all the torture just so that her kids would have a father.

Tooooo much right? But if you know me, you know how my over-imaginative brain works. I mentally burnt all my jeans and sleeveless tops in those two days as I would never need them :P We would be staying in Kerala right?( I am just joking. No offense meant. Even I belong to a middle class family and this kind of normal life is really a blessing in disguise according to me )

Then came the verdict from our astrologer.. the horoscopes matched perfectly!! TADA TADA!! Goodbye pub dreams! Goodbye blue jeans! Goodbye Goa!

The Mom was informed and she called immediately. The questions begin.

His Mom: How tall is Gayathri? (PLEASE REFER PROFILE)

His Mom: Is she fair? She looks fair in her pics. Then why did you write wheatish?

My Mom: She is not very fair and is not dark too.

His Mom: Is she brown?

My Mom: *speechless*.

His Mom: Please send more pics. I have a doubt about her colour.

Brown? Racist Madame. How dare you? You son looks starved. What would you call him then? I felt like Nagavalli. Unakku evalo dairyamiruntha ippove enkan munnadi vanthu nippen? Unne njan konne un rakthathe kudiche omkaranadanamiduven!!

But this could be a good idea for a Fair and Lovely advertisement right? 

She never called after that! I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe because I was brown!!

     4.      Mr.Uncle

He was 57. Older than my Dad. He sent us this message and it said that he was really rich and he was looking for a soulmate. The message was something like this. “If you can suggest anyone you know. I don’t mind if she is divorced or has kids. I am ready to provide for them as well. Age is also not an issue I am a very rich person” Blah blah blah! Basically he wanted to marry a woman. That’s not much to ask for. But why tell me?

It was like I am the wedding broker! Uncleji.. I myself am looking for a soulmate and now I need to look for a bride for you too? Spare me sir!

          5.       Mr. Expectations

This guy sent us a message. And I checked his profile and was shocked. More than he wrote about himself, he has written about his future bride. It was scary. Basically she had to be perfect. His ideas and concepts about the girl were all made clear. He was a control freak and he liked things in place and everything should be clean and so on. He needed a housekeeper and not a wife. And her height should be atleast 5’6. So that she can clean the fans and ceiling?

Sadly I did not match any item on his checklist. And the last sentence he added was: Even if she is not all this, I am ready to accept her. She just has to have a heart ready to love. C-H-E-E-S-Y!!

His description made me feel so damn inferior and the message looked like he was being kind enough to accept someone like me who did not match any of his expectations. People!

     6.      Mr. Lover Boy

Something which happened a few years back. A friend of mine. It seems I was his idea of an ideal life partner( Nice selection :P But a moment of silence for his idea! ;) ) The guy did not have the guts to talk to me about it directly. Text messages were perfectly fine! :P And as far as I am concerned, if you love me, you should have the guts to atleast come up to me and say it on my face. Maybe Im old fashioned, but all other proposals are just KKPP-Kittiya kitti poyal poi ;) according to me. So this guy failed to impress me.

 Then finally, he went as far as asking his parents to get our horoscopes matched. God bless him! And when they didn’t match, his so called love flew out of the window. I found it very funny because as soon as he got to know about this horoscope mismatch then he started behaving all funny. It was like he was scared that I will stalk him and ask him to marry me :P Or maybe the horoscope talked about death if we got married. Whatever it was Mr.Lover boy was scared to death. Itre ullu!!

And the parents too were really worried and they went as far as asking my Mom to ask their son to forget me. Wow! I felt blessed! :P  But little did they know that the son ran away like I had plague as soon as he knew about the horoscope mismatch!! :P Our generation has not lost its values! :P

And then within a week he announces his engagement to a girl! I guess the guy thought that I would end up at his doorstep with his text messages and ask him to marry me and thereby he jumped at the next best suited horoscope which came his way!! ;)  

Paavam! Jeevanil kothi ullathondalle? Horoscope mismatch is injurious to health :P I still wonder where the love he kept professing for a year went all of a sudden! Feeling Sasified :P Oh my horoscope! Y do u do this to me!

These are some of the specimens I met. And the good ones, the normal ones(the lucky ones) had horoscopes which clearly shooed away someone like me who could eat their head with my non-stop chatter.

 Trust me, there are a lot of sensible, nice and normal guys who don’t go on marketing themselves. Like a good advertisement, they speak less but that speaks volumes. The photos they post speak for themselves. No weird selfies with pouts ( I hate men who pout!! Its soo girlish) I doubt if few of the guys have eyes. Coz like Mammootty in Rajamanikyam, they have goggles in each and every foto they post. Some write they are teetotallers but have pics posted with drinks in hand :P Some cannot live without jackets! And some have a thing for posting pics which have a foreign country as background, even though they work in the rural areas of Tamil Nadu.

Then then the latest joke is that many of the guys I see on the matrimonial site get married to girls I know ;) Just yesterday, I saw the wedding pic of one of the girls I know and the guy looked very familiar. Yes! I know him! I have seen him on the matrimonial site. :P It’s like my own private joke. Hey! I know your husband before you even met him!!Hahahaha(Villain style) :P

A wide variety of people out there! And after all arranged marriage might not be a bad idea. You get to choose from a lot of options which you filter and filter and filter and then do background check and so on. But whatever you do, it’s all about time. When it has to happen, it will.

Till then let’s crush on the handsome film stars or random strangers or even your friends’ bfs and look at the matrimonial profiles and attend the phone calls of all those wonderful men out there. Who knows? One of them would father your child :P

Irritating, right? That’s me :P

I am like this only :D

Reminder: The above post is just for entertainment sake. No hard feelings! And shoo shoo please no irritating comments!! I am already overloaded ;)

Is 24 old?

I am in a dilemma! I don’t know if I’m too young to feel old or too old to feel young. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere! I can’t see myself as the happily married doting wife with babies anywhere in near future. Even though I am categorised under the boring auntyji types who don’t go out there and have fun,I feel that this doting wife image doesn’t suit me. Atleast not now! Not that I would cheat on my husband or wouldn’t love my in-laws but I cannot see myself in that domestic atmosphere with a lot of responsibilities atleast for one more year! And even going out and doing crazy stuff and enjoying life as they call it doesn’t suit me! Its not that these are the only two dimensions of life, but I know very few people who share my thoughts and feel the same as me.

Now there is one thing which pricks me day and night. I want a job in Bangalore and also a 1 BHK flat with a balcony facing something nice-like a lake or maybe greenery or even buildings at a distance would be fine. It should be close to the office where I work and this would help save transportation money.

Even though I’m a tenant, I want to convert the apartment into my niche. It should speak about me. Photos and books and an extremely cosy and huge sofa/ recliner where I can sit for hours reading or listening to my fave songs or writing something or just plainly staring at the ceiling. Wow!What a tempting place! I do not know for how long, but as of now, the whole idea of solitude and silence tempts me. And I donot know when I will get bored with the idea of having no one else except me for company but I want to enjoy all the peace and madness while it lasts.

So lets come back to our topic. Is 24 years old? Like Achan says, however old we become in terms of the number of years spent on earth, we must always try to be young at heart and this would recharge your energy and you would feel a lot younger.

But as of now, most of my friends are really busy. All except me. I have all the time in the world and I feel like I am being taken for granted. Few friends who depended on me at some point of life have just forgotten that I exist. And when people need a shoulder to cry on or someone to whom they can bitch about life in general or someone to hang out, I am the only available person in town. It feels good that they are reminded of me in times of need, But when that becomes the only time they think of you, it really hurts! Or in simpler terms freaks you out. There are times I wish I was busy, so that I could say No and atleast then they would appreciate me. but you see, I’m jobless and so..time is available in plenty!

So lets classify my girl friends into three broad categories: 1.Single 2. Committed 3.Married

And these can be subdivided into:

1.     Single:

a.       Single and happy: Living life to the fullest. No plans of getting hitched anytime soon. Friends and family rule their life. Some of them have a checklist of things they want to get done before getting trapped somewhere.

b.     Single and worried: Why me? Why me of all people? Why am I still single? Why doesn’t anyone like me? When will I get married? Marriage and the perfect guy is the one solution to all their problems

2.     Committed

a.      Committed and happy : Chilling out with their boyfriends. Having the time of their lives. Occasional fights do happen, which don’t really count. The relation maybe serious or just a temporary arrangement but the girls are really happy. Engaged people also come in this category. The Vivaah types. Talking on the phone all the time and loads of gifts and hangouts and surprises involved- Case ideal!

b.     Committed and complaining: The I-Date-An-Onion types who are either crying or fighting or complaining or thinking of breaking up or spying on their boyfriends and what not. They might even have the best boyfriends in the world but no use- we don’t appreciate! Even the breakup phobic ones come here. They are unhappy, but they are ready to take all the crap from the guy who might be ill-treating them and whine all the time and in the end would cling onto the same guy! God knows why!

3.     Married

a.      Married and happy: their world revolves around their husbands and families. They are having the times of their lives. Happy and content. Majority have no time for old friends. Few look at their not yet married friends with pity-their lives hold no meaning. Some others irritate the world by proclaiming how perfect their life is and how happy they are.

b.     Married and not happy: To the world they might be happily married but many a time its just a pretence. They did not get the life they wished for. Either the Mil is a terror or you have extremely irritating relatives or even worse-the husband is a good-for-nothing and emotionless jerk.

Lets skip the divorced or separated category as I do not know anyone who has reached that stage.

I might belong to category 1- The single and enjoying life one. Being very frank with you all, I was falling under the single and worried category till recently. Thanks to the people I meet every day! Oh! You are not married yet. You are 24? Oh No! Is there something wrong with the horoscope? You should reduce weight. Oh you are soo short!

SHUT UP! I am still not married partly because I chose not to marry and partly because there is a time for everything and maybe the time for my marriage has not come yet.

My friends are all part of the above categories. Now talking about the new set of the younger people I recently met. I really don’t identify with them. Its not that I feel out of place and there are no topics to discuss with them but with a group of them talking, I really feel like they are damn silly! The discussion mainly involves clothes, fashion and beauty! I have a very small streak of “tomboyishness” in my character and I feel that discussions which involve only beauty tips and dressing up are plain LAME! I am not against all this and also I do take efforts to look good most of the times I attend functions. Like I read somewhere- “I either dress up like I am going to attend a red carpet function or like I am a homeless drug addict” This is very true about me. I am like that! But my point is, looks are not the only things which matter in life. Right na?

I am 101% sure that all I think and talk about is not always dresses, beauty, makeup, brands, fashion and sales. Am I growing old or am I already there? What exactly do you call this phase?

Moreover these young girls fail to notice the acting happening in movies but the only things that get noticed are the dresses, shoes and makeup! It is not wrong, but it is weird if all your brain registers is the external appearance of a person and the clothes they wear. For those who know me, I am fat and short. I look fat because I am short and I look short because I am fat. It is a vicious circle. And recently, for the first time in my life I was asked if it was a medical condition. I was so shocked that the “No” I said was not audible to my own ears. How dare she? And the shocking part is, even though I am not zero size, I am not obese! 

And another friend of mine, seeing my photo teased, “You look like you would burst any second!” And not to mention the daily taunts I get from far and near just coz I look like I do. “You look like our dept HOD” “You look like an aunty” “You don’t walk, but you roll” This goes on and I get bored nowadays.  *Yawn*Tell me something I don't know people!  Just because I am not a diva, I am ill treated and insulted! I really don’t care most of the times, but beyond a tolerance level, its very difficult to put up with this! But still I don’t say anything. Mambazham ulla maavine kalleru kittu! Be positive! And to a certain extent, I hate people who give importance to looks. They themselves are bothered about maintaining a perfect figure and looking like they have just come out of a fashion magazine at all times. Anyone who has extra pounds look abnormal to their eyes. I have no intention of working out in near future. Do you mind? Does this make me old?

Then, I still don’t believe in relationships just to pass time. You can read or dance or do bungee jumping to pass time. Why get into a relationship?

Like I was recently enlightened by a spokesperson of the new generation-you should not have serious relationships till you are going to get married. Time pass relationships have no strings attached. The only promise you make to your partner is that you will have loads of fun. After the contract is over, you part as friends and your ego and heart is unharmed.

According to him, a girlfriend is just for masti. Go for movies, get drunk together, go to pubs and dance together, go on trips, long drives and at times there are added benefits(you can guess that part) Basically she is a friend who never says “No!” to your propositions. Wow! Impressive! My foot! I feel like puking when I hear such nonsense. Maybe I am wrong and old fashioned. But this is my blog and so I can voice out my opinions. I really can’t digest these relationships to pass time. Is it a hobby? Some people I know have so many girl/boy friends just to pass time and they have lost count. 

Maybe mine is cheap middle class mentality. I really used to believe in the concept of “Kahin na kahin koi na koi hamare liye zaroor banaya gaya hai!” I believed in waiting for “The One”. With age I know that it is all nonsense and that I would stay waiting for the One and he would be juggling his gfs at the same time. I really don’t care anymore. He can live as he pleases till he meets me. But even then I cant accept this timepass relationships concept. Does that make me old?

And at times when I hear all these talks about life and families and investments and savings, I really feel bored. Oh! Gold prices have come down. Lets buy something for Chinnu’s wedding. (Hey people! Let us finalize the groom and then we can make the purchase ;) This is because last time we went to get some gold for me, the salesman asked me, “When’s the D day?” with a smile on his face. He thought I would blush and smile and tell him the date. But my reply was, “Haha. Not anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I am not even engaged” He was all “PLING!” So spare me the embarrassment) When I was working- Don’t spend all your money. Save something. Invest in SIP plans. BORING!! When recently a married friend advised another one about the pros and cons of renting an apartment and actually taking a loan to buy one, I literally yawned all along. Next one is about eating healthy so that you wouldn’t be targeted by diabetes and BP and so on. Oh God! You are already tensed about all that and your youth is being wasted! So am I young? So is 24 young?

Be it old or young, I have no intention of worrying now. Let us enjoy our 24^th year of life. What if we get hitched next year? Then you would be transferred to the other categories. So enjoy life when its good. You never know where you end up. And I am going to get Dasettan from Bangalore Days! So enjoy maadi.

But “Gayathri...Irritating people all over since 1991..” That would continue till my death I guess.

I am like this only and will continue to be like this only :P